Monday, 19 March 2012

Old time sin

I’m a muslim, but maybe not a good muslim.

I used to show my hair.
I used to show “the skin”.
I used to skip the prayer.
I used to “ponteng puasa”.
I used to say bad things about other people with the intention to hurt that person feeling & I don’t feel guilty on that. I don’t even ask for apology. Worst, I forgot who that person was.
I used to disobey my parents.
I used to disobey my husband.

I used to – ah…….

So many things, in fact some of it, I still continue the sin.

I know I’m not a good muslim, but, I still believe in “dosa & pahala”, “syurga & neraka”, “hidup & mati”, “rukun iman”, “rukun islam” & all other fates that has written for me. I just too “headstrong” to obey.

Previously, I’m not so sensitive about the food I take in. I just close 1 eye on “halal” or “non-halal” label. But now, I think, how I want to repent? The food has become flesh blood. Does Allah accept my repent?

When you commit sin to Allah, repent & Allah will forgive the sin as Allah is Maha Pengampun. But, Sin towards human being. Ahhhhh…how would I know I have hurt whose feeling. How would I remember, I hurt other person’s feeling with intention or not. How would I remember, what are my words that make that person hurt?

Sometimes, we try to tell other people that we are so sensitive about a particular issue/word that might hurt our feeling & we try our best to tell them in a very polite manner so that it can be accepted & we can expect that, that particular issue/word won’t be brought up in front of us anymore. But, sometimes, it just can’t be understand by ordinary people. Sometimes, they know we are sensitive about that, but they be so ignorant & keep brought up that issue/word.

When I was younger, when this happen to me, when my feeling is hurt, sometimes, I’ll stand up for my right. I’ll make sure, I’m the 1 who win. I don’t care, if actually I’m at the wrong side. I must win. Then, I’ll always find a way/time for revenge. Sweet revenge.

Growing up, I realised, there’s no point of arguing especially with those who wants to win too. I start to back off, but I’ll say this inside my heart “takpe, kau sengaja sakitkan hati aku. SATU HARI NANTI KAU RASA APA YANG AKU RASA. tuhan lagi tau, biar tuhan balas”.

Growing more up, I’m a bit consider, maybe he/she didn’t realize, so just forgive him/her. Then, the hurt feeling will just go away. But, I’ll still say this in my heart “kalau kau sengaja sakitkan hati aku, takpe. SATU HARI NANTI KAU RASA APA YANG AKU RASA”.

Sometimes, I’ll just give a smile & laugh (buat2 ketawa) if sensitive things brought up in front of me. But, inside my heart “SATU HARI NANTI KAU RASA APA YANG AKU RASA”.

If really, I can’t take it, but I don’t want to argue, I’ll stand in front of a mirror, imagine the mirror reflect is the person who has hurt my feeling, I’ll curse with all the bad word & last will say this “SATU HARI NANTI KAU RASA APA YANG AKU RASA”.

“SATU HARI NANTI KAU RASA APA YANG AKU RASA”.

Inilah satu2 nya ayat yang I akan cakap dalam hati, nak bagi hati sejuk. Maafkan jelah sipolan.

I don’t want to argue, especially on stupid things or things that only qualify to be argued by budak2 tak cukup umur or by narrow minded person.

When I’m getting older, I realized, there’s no good actually I say those things. Like I pray bad things to be happen to them.

So, I would change “Sabar kan lah hati aku. Jangan cakap benda tak elok. Semoga tuhan bukakan pintu hati kau & aku untuk bertaubat”

That sounds nicer right.

So, to all my friends dari zaman sekolah rendah, sekolah menengah, zaman UiTM, zaman kerja. Minta maaf, atas dosa2 & kesilapanku.

To my BFF, kadang2 kita berkawan tapi, gaduh2 jugak, entah2 gaduh2 dulu entah hilang entah tidak kan dalam hati masing. Tapi, di saat ini, aku dah lupakan segala, & just berhati2 memilih kawan in future.

To my x-boyfiends, adik2 abang2 & kakak2 angkat. Minta maaf, andainya satu masa dulu, perkataan sayang, suka, rindu, dijadikan mainan kata2.

To semua orang yang maybe I pernah sakitkan hati secara sengaja or tidak, sorry banyak2.

To adik beradik, anak2 sedara & abang2 ipaq & bakal adik ipaq, I love u all. Mwah mwah.

To Din & Mak, terima kasih Din & mak, jaga dau sampai besar, dah khawin jaga anak dau pulak. Hehehe.

To my husband, sorry for everything ya. love you sampai syurga.

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